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User talk:Alalattack
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Reticence page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 19:31, March 7, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:43, March 7, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:50, March 7, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story It was deleted because it wasn't up to quality standards. There are quite a lot of punctuation, capitalization, and story issues present here. Capitalization issues: Improper capitalization. "Hey, I haven't seen you before!" The (the) boy shouts towards Jacob", ""What do you want for dinner honey?" She (She) asks me", ""Do you want it now or later?" She repeats", etc. Unless you are using a proper noun or starting a new sentence, words following dialogue should not be capitalized. "School path home, School (school) path home, School (school)path home." Punctuation issues: Punctuation missing from a majority of dialogue. "Mom(comma missing) I'm off to school now(comma missing)", "Hey Tom", "Where were you this morning(?)", "Yeah, I'm just thinking", etc. You forget to use apostrophes to indicate possession/contractions: "I hear the teacher(')s voice pierce my thoughts". A number of times you even forget to properly punctuate sentences. "Yeah... yeah(.)", "Yeah(comma missing) of course it is.", "But that face, it-it will be the death,(not needed) of me.", etc. Story issues: The story jumps quite a bit without any real break/divide. ""Hey, I haven't seen you before!" The boy shouts towards Jacob who is now sitting down beside him. "Do you want to be friends? You look lonely."" The story shifts from an outside third perspective to 1st person without much indicator. You also tend to change time/scenes without much to indicate a change has taken place. Story issues cont.: The stream-of-consciousness approach really stumbles in places and tends to interrupt the story more than enhance it. "Wait a minute, no-no-no.", "I can't let him murder mum, no matter what. Bu-", "One strike, it won’t be hard. Just enough, to knock him out. But that face, it-it will be the death, of me. I have to do it, now, NOW. W-what have I done?", etc. The protagonist's mental degradation also feels really rushed. To make lines like this work: "What if they think, I did it? I didn’t do it, I didn’t do anything. They might come for me, but why? They think I did it.", you really need to ease the audience into it. The twist at the end also feels really forced. Why are they trying to kill him in the first place? I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here and the stream-of-consciousness approach really weakens the story rather than improving it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:07, March 7, 2016 (UTC)